PMS,….Still With Me??

PMS,….. Still with me?? Most people leave the room, fidget in their chair, look the other way, rifle through their purse pretending to look for something or simply stare off into the nothingness blankly. Well I think it is High Time the General Population WAKES UP and becomes aware of what goes through a woman’s mind at a three minute stoplight during this delicate two to three days of her life EVERY month for Years upon Years of that woman’s life !!!
For instance,…… “Said woman,….” Ummm,….. Errrr,…..Ok,.. Ok….. ME!!! I’m talking about ME,…. OK???!! So there I was,…. in a hurry that day,… (Of course,…..) When low and behold the first stoplight I get to,….the JERK in front of me, who is LOLLYGAGGING (I want a lolly pop,… it’s been years…..)around misses it!!! I am forced to stop and wait for the dang light!! (Instant Anger….) Just because the guy ahead of me isn’t in a hurry,…. By the looks of his car and the way he’s driving he’s probably never been in a hurry a day in his life!! (Pissyness creaping in) Matter fact I bet he was a week late being born… His poor mother!!! (Tears well in my eyes at the thought) It probably was July,…. hundred and four degree temp,….. Probably a ice shortage that summer because it was the hottest summer we’ve ever had,…(A bit of rage setting in) she was probably miserably bloated,….60 pounds overweight,….hair hanging in her eyes wet from the sweat of the long hot summer day,…. (I really need a hair cut….)She was probably saying out loud to anyone who would listen,…. (nobody ever listens to me!!) For The Love Of GOD!!! Get this THING Out Of ME!!!! (Now tears are flowing) Yep that was the way it went!!! The SOB!!! (Anger heating up again, tears long gone) I should SMASH into his Shiney Slow Car!!! Just for his Mother!! She shouldn’t of had to go through that!!! Probably everyone in the city that gets behind him on the road would be happy too! ! ( justification creeping in with a grin) they might even have a Parade in MY Honor! ! They will through Candy!!! (Abundant joy filling me) I hope its Chocolate! ! I could really use some Chocolate right now, a Snickers, not Almond Joy though .. … Speeking of joy,…. his Mother might not be happy if he gets in an accident, …. (Sadness smashing my joy) she probably wouldn’t come to MY parade! ! She probably would cry,…. (tears filling my eyes) I can’t make her cry!!! It’s bad enough HE’S her son!!!! WHO IS HONKING AT ME (RAGE!!!!!!)????? Ohhhh The Light!!!! (Embarrassment….) Waving out the window saing I’m sorry to the lady behind me I roll through the light thinking to myself,….. MAYBE I should address my A.D.D………
Awake Now???!!! That’s what I thought, …..Your Welcome!!! I’m out of here, I need to go get some chocolate. I hope I don’t get stuck at a light! !

The Topic Of Change……

Change is a funny thing don’t you think? Or maybe more appropriate a question would be, how a person reacts to change is a funny thing don’t you think?

It really kind made me mad years ago when waistbands on women’s jeans went from dang near under the rib cage to well below the belly button. It was ONLY because I couldn’t find my regular pair of Levis in the store was I FORCED to buy a pair of the “mid rise” as I wasn’t so sure about the “low rise”. I felt naughty and naked for about six months!! Walking around for the first three pulling my shirts down to cover my tummy!! Took me all of that six months to venture out and buy a “low waist” pair! Took another six months before I decided to get that tattoo on my lower back just in case I squatted down and someone was looking!! (Wink,… wink….) Now, much to my surprise,  the other day I saw a young girl wearing a pair of high waist jeans and when I took a second look her friend was wearing a pair too!! I have seen three others since! !  I am here to tell you I will not be giving into that fad again!! Once I released my tummy and went through the trauma of deciding to pierced my bellybutton,….I am not concealing it ever again! !! If the day should come that I have a muffin top hanging over my low waistband,….. well,…… I’ll just deal with it then!!  However,…. I am here to tell you it will be with my four inch heels deep in the dirt!!

So getting back to the topic of change,…..

Sign Of Intelligence…..

So my shrink a few months back was giving me props by telling me that seeing both sides of the story is a sign of intelligence… My thought is there’s a FINE line between intelligence and obsessive compulsive behavior…!! I see EVERY side of every story…. inside and out. Upside and downside. I chew it up, regurgitate and chew it again.
I often wonder when this habit, insight, wisdom, insane behavior,….call it what you will,…. began. I know I was young because I don’t ever remember a time before. My mother once told me I was overdue by a few days and I thought, “Well yeah,….because I was trying to figure out how the Hell to get out of there!! Which way would be best, head first? Feet first?Sideways?? ”
I  often wonder about the concept of reincarnation… As I have been told on many occasions that I am an old soul. I wonder if in a past life I ran through it not thinking twice and wonderfuly living on the edge… And perhaps dying young tragically. So in this life, not wanting to make the same mistakes, I question everything. Living in extreme caution and doubt… (I bet I had more fun in my last life!)
I’ve also been told by a medium that I came here to teach,  although when I questioned as to what I have not yet received an answer… And don’t even get me started on the possibilities there! Believe me, I’ve spent DAYS pondering that!
So obsessive compulsive behavior, intelligent, or haunts of a prior life,….. I truly do wish I could sometimes shut it all off and simply live in the moment!! Caution and hair in the wind, flying by the seat of my pants, living on the edge,……!!! Or at the very least,… get a Full Nights Sleep!!!

It is better to laugh then cry

For all the trauma of growing up with my mother there were a few things that she taught me faire… One of which, “It is better to laugh then cry….”

I believe it to be almost my motto through my life. A saving grace if you will. It always seems that no matter the situation, no matter the personal pain, no matter how many hostages have been taken there is a bit of irony in every part of my story. For some reason it seems not to take long for me to find it either. In some of my twisted plots it is the only memorable moment to take away, because the rest is simply too painful to attach memory to. It’s rather funny how the mind works when you think about it.

When I was 11 we were visiting some friends at a resort near where we lived at the time. I was standing on the end of the dock,fishing pole in hand, with at least a dozen kids screaming with excitement dancing on the shore with anticipation of the fish I had on the hook. The closer it got as I reeled it in, the louder we all got. I could hear my playmates scream to one another” Get a net!!” “WOW That’s Huge!!” I got it up to shore & we dragged it into the sand. It was the ugliest fish I have ever seen and it was making funny sounds. Everyone was saying, “What is it??What is it??” Suddenly I heard my mother yell for me, I turned and yelled back,” Mom!! Come see what I caught!!” Caught up in all the excitement I did not see her angry strides as she came to the shoreline. ” Throw that damn dog fish back in the lake, Daddy Died!!” Stunned I said in shock, ” My Daddy??” ” No you idiot, My Dad!! Come on we are leaving!!” All of the children there we’re standing around me awe,…. except for one. One fat little boy oblivious to everything around him had taken my fish off the hook and was running up the hill to the baithouse screaming as he ran, ” Gonna get it weighed for ya!” My sister standing a few feet away said ” Come on we gotta go.” I stood still in my stance, perhaps still in shock, thinking to myself, “I wonder how big that fish is?”. In that moment the fat little boy came out of the baithouse running down the hill screaming, ” Holy crap, its a Biggin !!! 5 1/2 pds!!!” Then he tumbled down the hill as everyone  standing there started to laugh.
Now in my mind as the memory goes without deeper thought. The day my grandfather died when I was 11, I caught the biggest fish I ever caught. Five and a half pound dog fish!! Attached to that memory is that fat little boy rolling down the hill and all of us laughing. Not the memory of the terrible words that came out of my mother’s mouth in front of all those children embarrassing and shaming me beyond words …. nor the horrific look on her face meant only for me.

I rather prefer to remember catching the fish and the belly laughter of the children. I also think my Grandpa would prefer that memory. So it is.

Such A Great Shopper…….

I walked into a junk shop the other day, (… I Love Junk Shops!!….) was rambling around when I came across a musical jewelry box. It is a heavy plastic made to look like wood and then painted a soft pink. Beautifully etched flowers on the outside lid. It has two ballerinas inside, one of light skin & one of dark skin. Two removable trays, all of it lined with crushed pink velvet with a mirror on the inside top of the cover. I simply fell in love!!

Since I walked away from my career earlier this past year I have tried not to buy things that I don’t need….. so I kinda make it a habit to stop and think about what I am buying before I do. (You know the whole “Want/Need” thing….. I “state”rolling my eyes) So I started my walk around the Junk Shop with the treasure in my hands justifying the 6 dollars and 99 cents. It went something like this:

” Its so pretty,….. But you really don’t NEED it….. just give me a sec here, stop jumping to conclusions!!!”

“You could give it to any one of your FIVE granddaughters,….. But that wouldn’t be fair as you don’t have one for each.”

“Its such a pretty pink, all soft and Girly…. But your bedroom is BLUE,….. I could paint my room!!”

” I could resell it and make a buc or two,…..But then you wouldn’t have it anymore.”

“You could put all your really Good jewelry in it and the rest in your other jewelry box,….. But you don’t have any “Really Good Jewelry”,….. Oh yeah………NOOOOOO,..Nooooo…… !!!!! Wait a minute!!!!! You have Pearls!!! YES!!!! I DO!!!!! ITS MINE!!!!!”

WOW,…. you can OBVIOUSLY see how that was a LONG walk around a small junk store……!!!

So with a BIG smile on my face as I have a satisfied justification for my purchase I head to the check out line where you are NEVER gonna guess what!!!!! The young cutie behind the counter says,….. ” AND for ALL of our customers today ONLY,….. get 25% off their purchase.” CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!!! It was Fate!!!!

So now I just need soft pink curtains and a few throw pillows in maybe a little darker pink, then a sham or two….. a vase,… few flowers….. Lord knows I don’t want to spend all that money on painting,….. at least I don’t think  I do,……just yet,….. maybe in the spring when i’m back to work,…. maybe a pink duvet for now,…..

ANYWAY……… Wasn’t that a GREAT DEAL!!!!!??

Stalked……

I wrote this in October and put it in my notes of Facebook. I wanted to share it here as well. 

I went to church tonight and heard a women that I know tell a story of a very deep painful secret. One that haunted her and changed the course of her life forever. One that I am not sure I could share out loud with the strength she possessed, nor with the insight to the effects it had on her life over the years. However her healing is in fact not only in forgiving, but in sharing, as secrets are what keep us sick.
In the last year and a half almost two years I have struggled alone except with a few very close friends and less than a few of my colleagues. I was in a almost 4 year relationship with a man that I ended almost 2 years ago. After I moved out and tried my best to move on with my life, this man terrorized and stalked me for almost a year. It seemed that no one understood and even that no one would listen. He left voice mails, sent emails, text messages, he was on my work website, drove by my office, threatened me with where I should go or not go, harassed my friends, my children, my sister. It went on and on for what seemed forever.
On March 28th of this year he was convicted of stalking and the state stepped in. However that was when my nightmare really began. I am not sure exactly what happened when I got that letter in the mail saying that it was over, but I believe something in me snapped as I had a nervous breakdown of sorts.
I found myself unable to handle my career, my children, my relationships, my life. Every single thing in my life was overwhelming and the simplest of tasks where unbearable to do. I could not concentrate on one thing at a time and could not accomplish two. Someone suggested a therapist. So i did. I have gone every week for 8 months now.
Perhaps it is simply because life is just that,….life. Or maybe because I am looking at things differently as of late. What I see before me seems to be a consequence of my trying to pull my life back together, what I see is loss. A loss of that cheery person I seemed to have been, and I wonder how far she has gone. The loss of time that seems to slip away faster every day as I continue on this struggle to regain a life that I can claim once again as my own. The loss of people in my life that had claimed to be my “friend” but ran away when things got real. The loss of the inner strength of that strong women that would never have allowed any of this so long ago. The loss of that little string of faith that I had cultured when this all began.
So now let the healing begin because this secret is no longer that. Let the consequences become blessings, as in time they become lessons and forgiveness will follow. To those that walked away,…. have a safe journey and I pray your paths be blessed. I will be searching for my smile within, as I know it is still there somewhere. A stronger women will again rise and shine because I am doing the work and God has a plan.

Well Thank Goodness That’s Over!

Well Thank Goodness That’s Over!  Sad to say that is how I really feel after this holiday season……
Everywhere you turn there was bad news. People getting killed, riots, protests. The flu hit my little area of this world so that too is all over the news inflicting fear of even leaving ones home. No Snow For Christmas! !! Can you imagine in Minnesota? ?? Well it’s true!! Now if that doesn’t just piss a person off I am not sure what does! ! Personally I don’t remember a Christmas without snow. None of my kids came home,……now that was really a bummer.  I hate that they have lifes of there own!!! (Not really,…. just being selfish here….) Did I tell you I quit smoking? ?? Umm,…. yah maybe a bit of edginess still lingering.
Then in the midst of trying to keep a stiff upper lip and smile anyway,…… I got news of the one thing I so very much hate,…… GOSSIP. 
Gossip is a killer. I would like to say silent killer but well,…. that would just be silly now wouldn’t it!  I moved to this Great Big City about eight years ago, from a little city in comparison. Yet never in my life have I heard so much GOSSIP!!!!! Nor have I ever seen the damage from  GOSSIP like I have since coming here.
What I mostly don’t understand is it was from a few people who claim to walk with a God. A few People who claim to work a program that teaches people to rise above such petty  nonsense, and to actually avoid such situations. Yet these people not only heartily participated they even encouraged one another. All of which was at my expense. 
Now one might ask how I know all of this and I will say,… Gossip,…. I suppose…. one of the participants came clean. For what reason?? I really don’t know. However I do know this, ……I really do not understand the benefits of Gossip, other than getting the focus off oneself. I do not understand why people speculate & create when if they really want an answer they only need to ask. I also do not understand the need to know what others do or don’t do in their lives is of such great importance to some. Mostly I don’t understand how people who go out of their way to fabricate stoies or peices of stories look in the mirror every morning, and continue to look others in the eye.
I don’t imagine I will ever understand as really I never have, but I have decided that I am not going to continue to allow people like that in my life as the stress of the collateral damage is  more than I have to offer or defend.
It would seem that as my world changes around me from year to year….. the truly important things are the same. No Gossip or ingenuine people can ever change that.
So I guess next year I’ll be in Alaska, ….. where I hear they always have snow! !! AND I’m bringing my Grandchildren, my Dog, and MAYBE my Kids!!!!!